Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

🙁

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”