Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

herekittykittykittykitty

– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.