Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross