Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
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If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.