Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
These aliens are taking forever.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.