Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.