Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night