Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You Might Also Like
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.