Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
You Might Also Like
The little toadstool has spoken.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Running from your problems is cardio .
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
black phone good
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.