@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

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@JeffMyspace

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

@AdamBroud

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

@TheSuccuBish

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@EndhooS

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

@FeralFerrell

Of course I have my priorities in order. I didn’t say WHAT order.