Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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Smooooooth
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Duolingo getting serious.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail