Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming