Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“i miss shittin on people”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening