Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
doing your own taxes
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.