Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.