Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Goodnight 🐶

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.