Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone