Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…