Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
We avoided this particular disaster
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
why isn’t he texting back
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.