Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
For the ones in the back.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.