Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.