Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You Might Also Like
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I have questions??
