Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Accurate
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.