Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.