Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Received some very disappointing news today
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”