Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.