Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

What Bob, you’re interrupting.