Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

💁🏻‍♂️

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Easy enough.

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]

friend: holly shit. everything is gone

me: i’m gonna try out for the nba

friend: what

me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.