Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
You Might Also Like
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If you know, you know 😂🚔
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
edward fingerhands
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.