Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Cha-ching is my safe word
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.