Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime