Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Kentucky names the shit out of places

If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.