Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed