You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
what’s the point then??
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.