Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude