Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.