Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

thanks auntie mary

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.