Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.