Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

[interview]

“How would you describe your people skills?”

ME: I tend to drive others away.

“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*