@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

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@BatBatshitcrazy

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

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@ArfMeasures

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

@_elvishpresley_

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

@rockymomax

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

@trojansauce

[watching lion king]
TIMON: hakuna matata
ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries
TIMON: it means no worries
ME: see?

@DHCBerndtson

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

@tsnotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.