@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

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@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@lilgapeach30

I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.

@AndyAsAdjective

BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. ūüôĀ

@anbrll00

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

@PissAndry

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

@TheMichaelRock

The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.

@DamienFahey

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play ‚Äúcareless whisper‚ÄĚ