Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

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ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC


I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.


BOSS: why were you late?

ME: [thinking back to filling each waffle trap with the exact same amount of syrup] traffic


Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. ūüôĀ


I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.


These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!


The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.


If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.


[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play ‚Äúcareless whisper‚ÄĚ