Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE