Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”