Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
every. time.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!