Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
at ease…shoulder.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa