Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
that colleague who touches your screen
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
A duv-egg? In this economy?
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels