Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.