Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream car is a taco truck.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

Not all heroes wear capes….