Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

The sacred texts.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

#DesignFail

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”