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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Unexpected Judgment
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
In banana years, I am bread.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.