Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Is….Is this an option?

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

new dr. seuss book dropping:

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though