Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid