Quadruple digit IQ
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True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
my one true gender
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Just this preview of the story is enough
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here