Quadruple digit IQ
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.