Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too immature for adultery.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Seek kebab; not attention

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

🤣could you imagine

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah