Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
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“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.