Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods