Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
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My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak