“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.