“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
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Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best