“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Autocarrot sucks!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Stop sending me this shit.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words