Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.