quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You Might Also Like
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*