Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

look scared