Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Mad Max Arctic Road

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.