Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

I’m calling the cops.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.