Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Jus’ sayin. 😐
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.