Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.