Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You Might Also Like
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
According to math, I’m broke
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life