Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Selfie

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.