Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Do ducks feel sad?

No, they feel “down”cast.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”