Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31