quarantine day 3
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Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC