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Does your wife know you’re single?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits