Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait!

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

How to make infinite energy.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too