Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

new wife guy just dropped

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.