Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Baller is short for ballerina

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine