Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Them: how are you?

Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

What a chick magnet..

Perfect.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.