Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

12. I think about this all the damn time

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

We’ve all been there

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here