Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Anime is real

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

I have a place for everything. The floor.